Reaching for you, even now
by seiauton
Summary: Eji has returned to Japan, but his problems have only just started. His family wants to know why he ended up in the hospital, and then Eiji receives a call from America, bearing disastrous news. Though, well, maybe not as disastrous as they could have been... / Decided to post the following chapters here instead of posting them separately.
1. Chapter 1

Home was different from what he remembered and much different from what New York had been like. Eiji had missed his family while outside Japan, but he hadn't had much time to focus on these feelings. Now, however, he had nothing to do except miss his friends in America. He of course spent time talking to his family, to catch up, but it wasn't easy. Eiji didn't want them to worry too much about him nor did he want them to know more than they absolutely needed to know about the exact circumstances of how he had sustained the injuries he was still recovering from.

His silence angered his mother and saddened his sister. It pained Eiji to see them like this, but there was no choice but to keep them in the dark if he wanted to protect them-and himself, from their reactions.

However, his mother sat down to his opposite during breakfast one morning, her eyes stern in her usually soft-looking face. Eiji regarded her silently before slowly putting down his chopsticks.

"Ibe-san told me you got shot. Let me see it."

Eiji and her had talked on the phone, after the surgery had been performed successfully and Eiji had been up to hold a full-fledged conversation again. He had lied to her then, had told her it had been an accident.

But, Eiji didn't blame Ibe-san for telling her the truth. Eiji blamed himself for lying instead. It had been a bad idea, albeit it appearing to him a reasonable choice then.

"Mother, it's not as bad as-"

"As I think?" she finished for him. She put her arms on the table and leaned closer, her brows pinched together and eyes piercing into his. Eiji noticed himself stiffen under her close inspection. He leaned back.

"It has been weeks, and you are still in pain. You won't let me see, won't even let me change your bandages for you. Do you think I'm stupid? I know what happens in America, with these guns, and criminals running the streets. They show it in the news often."

Eiji swallowed down a response. There was no point arguing about this with her and, admittedly, he wasn't making the best impression right now, made it impossible to convince her to see his side.

"You changed," she said. She said it like she regretted the fact. "You think you are independent, but that's not true. You are an adult now, but you still need help sometimes. Why won't you let me?"

Eiji looked down on the table, wondering if she was right in saying this. Eiji knew he couldn't survive on his own, not here and certainly not in America. But, he had people willing to help him. He had relied on Ash during the two years he had stayed with him, just like he had relied on Bones and Ibe-san and everyone else.

"I'm sorry." He met his mother's gaze again, saw her stern expression still. "I understand, and you're right. I've been pushing you away when I shouldn't have. I'm thankful."

 _But..._

"But there are things I have to do still. There is someone _I_ have to help, too."

His mother didn't seem to understand right away. When she did, she straightened her back, her hands tightening into fists.

"I forbid it."

"Mother-"

"You heard. You aren't going back there, ever again. I forbid it."

"I did hear," Eiji replied calmly. "But I'll still go."

His mother rose to her feet, looming over him. Eiji remained seated.

"You are selfish," his mother said, and this made Eiji tense visibly. "You care more about these criminals than you do about us. What are your sister and I going to do if you die? Your father isn't with us anymore. We never had much money, but we never complained. I saved money for you, so you could go to the States. And now you leave again, maybe forever, just like that? For those punks? When we need you?"

The mention of his father opened a wound in Eiji's heart, caused a dull ache that he had barely yet learned to live with. It had been three years ago, not long after Eiji had had the accident. They had known it wouldn't be long now, and they had been right. His father's death had left them in a difficult situation not only emotionally but also financially. Eiji's mother hadn't started to work until they had needed the money to survive. It had been hard on all of them, but especially on her. Eiji _knew_ that.

"Mother..."

But his mother wasn't finished. "If they kill each other, that is fine by me. But I won't let them kill you. They tried to make you one of them, didn't they? You are so attached to these gang members."

Eiji too rose from his seat now. His palm was pressed against the table, in parts to support him, in parts because his hands were shaking. Now, he was the one looming over his mother. She wasn't very tall, a fact that allowed Eiji to tower over her even if he didn't pull himself up to his full height.

"They are my friends!" he retorted, his voice controlled but growing in volume to match his turmoil. "They protected me, they did!"

"And?!" His mother's voice turned shrill. "What good did it do?" She pointed at his stomach, the bandages beneath his clothing, the wounds from being shot, from surgery. Eiji tensed, ready to lash out at her, but she didn't give him the chance to.

She was quicker to speak. "Did they teach you to shoot a gun, too? Did they make you-" Her eyes turned glassy, as though she only now realized something-"Did they make you shoot at someone? Did you shoot- Eiji-"

Eiji froze, and the sight, the confirmation, made his mother turn pale. Had Eiji not hesitated, maybe he could have convinced her to believe a lie. Maybe he could have explained the circumstances, the need to protect Ash. But now, she would never understand. She would never allow him to leave her watchful eye ever again.

"You _idiot_!"

"I didn't have a choice!" he yelled out, at last. He saw his mother struggle to hold back tears, saw them forming in the corner of her eyes, glistening. He noticed how pale she was, and he wanted to end this argument right then and there. But, he couldn't. He didn't know what his mother would do if he let her believe matters were solely back or white. This wasn't easy on him either. No, he felt as though he was close to breaking out into tears, too.

"I didn't harm anyone!" A lie.

"It was in self-defense!" Another lie.

"I _had_ to!" And that, at least, was nothing but the truth. Eiji had needed to shoot. He had needed to save Ash, to protect him when he couldn't do so himself. When he was in Golzine's grasp, in Foxx'-

To Eiji, it had been the only possible choice. It didn't make him a bad person, wanting to protect Ash from these devils. If only Ash had come with him to Japan. Why wasn't he coming? Why?

"So you didn't kill?" his mother chimed into his thoughts. "Didn't try?"

"No! I-"

Then, without warning, she slapped him across the face. Eiji was so stunted, in such shock, he didn't know how to respond. He doubted there was anything he could say anyway. His chest constricted painfully, his heart was bleeding. If he wasn't able to help Ash, if just a little, what good was he? What was the point in having promised forever to him?

His mother sat back down, defeated. She said, "You won't ever go back. You won't leave this house."

Then, the phone rang, distantly, cutting through the fragile silence that had formed after his mother's words, but Eiji ignored it. He barely heard it, but the insistent ringing added to his frustration, to the blazing worry that deemed all else unimportant. It prompted Eiji to curse all that wanted to distract him from the problem at hand.

Eiji swore that he would see Ash again, no matter what anyone, even his own mother, had to say about it.

His mother continued quietly, softly. It sounded wrong, yet right. "I almost lost you in America. I won't give them another chance to try to take you away from me."

Eiji puffed out his chest, straightened his shoulders. He continued equally restrained. "I understand, but I don't regret going. There is no way I could." He shook his head, his face a grimace of pain. "I'd rather die than never see my friends again. You'll have to kill me yourself if you want to stop me from going back to Ash."

"You-"

Seiko, Eiji's sister, appeared between them, eyeing them with a scared expression and hunched posture. In her hand, she held the phone. She was covering the receiver, but whoever was on the other end had no doubt heard the prior commotion.

"Ehm, Eiji, it's a boy from America. He-"

Eiji didn't bother listening further. He grabbed the phone and pressed it against his ear, already rushing to leave the room. They let him. Eiji wiped over his eyes to get rid of the wetness that lingered there.

"Ash-"

"Isn't here," came the answer. "It's Sing."

Eiji almost stumbled over the stairs he was ascending but managed to grab the railing in time. His heart beat fast, his throat was tight; from embarrassment or disappointment, he couldn't say. The confrontation with his mother had left him jaded.

"Sing, I'm sorry I-"

"It's alright," Sing interrupted. "I get it. Can you talk? There was quite the ruckus in the back."

Eiji made it to the top of the stairs, quickly making for his room. "Yes, yeah. What's up? How is everyone?" _How is Ash_ remained unsaid, but Sing would know anyway.

"Listen, maybe sit down or something."

"Eh?" Eiji stopped dead in his tracks, now standing with one foot inside his room. "Why? What happened?"

"You sitting?"

"Ah, yes." Not really, but Eiji stepped inside fully, closed the door behind him, and walked to the window where he leaned against the windowsill. He grabbed it with his free hand, forcefully pushed aside what had happened with his mother to focus on Ash, on America, instead. His worry grew by the second.

"Just tell me, Sing!"

There was some rustling on the other end, but Sing's voice came through clear as day. "Ash got stabbed, not much before your departure. He's fine now, but-"

"Stabbed!?" Eiji jolted, suddenly standing again and moving toward the center of the room. He didn't much realize nor care he was shouting into the mouthpiece. "You say- He's fine? How can he be-"

Eiji cursed in Japanese. Sing was surprisingly patient with him. If anything, it worried Eiji more.

He tried to compose himself. "What happened, Sing?"

"It was shortly after I handed him your letter. He said he wanted to come with you, but my brother got to him first."

Silence rang loudly after that. Eiji stared at the door without actually seeing it, taking a deep breath as he started to understand.

"Sing-"

"It's- I get it. Cut it, alright? Lao wanted to protect me, thought that Ash-"

"But you-"

"Yes, but he didn't know. Listen, Eiji. The point is, Lao is dead now. Ash got him, but he got Ash good, too. I came back because … I don't even know. I found him, brought him to a doctor in China Town. He's a crook, but the hospital wasn't an option."

Eiji swallowed, the image of a lifeless Ash in his mind, bleeding red onto the pavement. "He's … alright now? He's alive?"

Eiji's departure was already a week past. Sing's call was late. What had they waited for? To know? To know for sure if Ash-

"You know him. There is no getting him killed. But, I'll be honest, we didn't think he'd make it. Goes to show ya again how strong he is, that Lynx."

Eiji heard the smile on the other end, and it tentatively made Eiji smile too. But it didn't last, was a mere shred of relief in the light of the news he had just received. He sank down onto his chair, feeling light-headed. Maybe he should have taken Sing's advice and sat down right away.

"I'll come back, to New York," Eiji said. Sing was quiet.

"I know what you think. Don't try to stop me. Everyone wants to make me stop, but I'm not listening."

Sing's pause continued long enough to make Eiji frown. He was determined. It was no use trying to keep him away from Ash, a person he cared about more than he had thought possible. He had promised forever to him, over a year ago. He intended to keep his word.

"Okay, Eiji. But, take it easy. You're still healing yourself, ya know?"

"Alright, Sing. I will. Thank you."

"Good luck, kiddo."

Eiji ended the call, removed the phone from his ear, and rested his hand on his knee. He grabbed the phone tightly and slumped forward. The action prompted a sting of pain to blossom in his stomach, but Eiji did not change his position. He didn't move, wondered instead if Ash was in pain as well. How bad was it? Was he getting the right medicines? Was someone there with him?

Eiji exhaled a shaky breath as he brought an equally shaky hand up to his still throbbing cheek. In Japanese, he said, "What am I going to do with you?"

It was seconds later he heard the sound of footsteps as they quietly moved away from in front of his room. Eiji breathed a laugh, wondering how much of the conversation Seiko had managed to understand.

He'd been told her English had improved quite a lot since he'd left.


	2. Chapter 2

The rusted hinges gave a loud creek as Sing pushed open the backdoor. The wood was chipped and somewhat deformed so that it scratched against the floor, making an ugly sound that matched the overall impression that the building gave off.

Sing had been desperate in coming here, just a little over a week ago. He had needed someone who wouldn't ask questions, who wouldn't side with other fractions in exchange for some cash or other bribes. He had needed someone who had no interest in seeing Ash Lynx dead for his own benefit or that of others. And this place, well, it had been the first to pop into Sing's head.

Qiu Huang was a doctor who fit all the needed criteria. However, rumor had it that the man lacked in other qualities as he was known for his odd character more so than his medical skills. Pressed for time and secrecy, Sing had decided to bet it all on him, and he was fortunate that, in the end, he seemed to have been right to do so. Ash lived, all thanks to this doctor.

Upon first laying sight on Ash as he had hung heavily on Sing's shoulder, Qiu had sprung into action and saved Ash's life with an immediate surgery and intensive aftercare. Though Sing had not been present for most of it, he had been shocked to see the resources Qiu had at his disposal. Not just medicines had been stacked in those shelves, but Qiu also had access to human blood that he stored in a freezer.

Sing had questions, and a lot of them.

He made his way inside the building, up a flight of stairs and through yet another door. He had entered through the back since, apparently, Qiu had deemed it necessary to barricade the front. For protection, he'd said, briskly, when Sing had inquired about what the hell was going on. Sing knew better than to question him again and merely considered himself lucky that Qiu had left at least the one entrance as was. Sing wasn't necessarily eager to break in through one of the windows, though maybe Qiu had decided to board those up, too.

"Paranoid geezer," Sing muttered under his breath, shortly before reaching the main room of the building. It looked as though it didn't belong here at all; clean, modern, fresh. In the room right behind this one, Qiu had performed surgery on Ash.

This time, Qiu was sitting on a chair with a gun in his hand, his bulging eyes flicking nervously from one side to the other. His thin hair was drawn back in a short pony tail.

Bones and Kong were sprawled out on the couch but immediately looked up at Sing when he entered. They didn't seem overly surprised by Qiu, who jumped to his feet that very moment.

"S—Stay back!" The man yelled, his teeth gritted as he pointed the gun at Sing.

Sing moved his hands in a calming gesture, tensing in spite of himself. "Easy there, dude. Wouldn't want any more injured here."

As expected, Qiu's shoulders dropped. He lowered the gun, all the while muttering an apology under his breath. "Sorry. B-bit jumpy today."

"I can see that," Sing said. "How is he?"

"No different than when you stopped by yesterday," Qiu said, dropping back on his chair. The gun remained in his hands, his fingers dragging along the barrel. "He will need more time to recover, some more weeks till he can walk."

Sing nodded. "Make sure he does."

One of Ash's gang members snorted in response, the smaller one. He averted his eyes when Sing glared at him, and with that, Sing decided to drop it. He understood why there was distrust. After all, Ash wouldn't be here had it not been for Sing and his brother Lao.

If only you'd listened to me, Sing thought. If only I had been a better leader.

He pushed past the doctor and entered an adjacent room, the patient's room.

It was dark inside, the windows hidden behind curtains, and the air smelled stale. Ash appeared to be sleeping, but Sing knew he wasn't. No way Sing could walk in here without him noticing.

"Still playing Sleeping Beauty?" Sing teased. He closed the door behind him, one hand in his trouser pockets.

Ash huffed, weakly. One of his eyes was open. "Just don't try to kiss me awake."

Sing pulled up the chair next to Ash's bed and sat on it backward. He put his arms on the backrest.

As soon as he was seated, he started right away with the reason for his coming, "I called Eiji, earlier."

Of course it drew Ash's full attention to him. His gaze seemed focused and sharp, almost like Ash's usual stare had it not been for his sickly complexion and unwashed hair. He was pale, even for a white boy.

"Why?"

"To bring him up to speed. He was missing out on some things he had a right to know about."

Ash's frown deepened, but Sing didn't let it deter him.

"He's fine, by the way. Though it seemed like he was arguing with someone. His mum, I think. He, well-"

"He wants to come back."

Sing nodded, reluctantly. "Yeah. And he will soon by the sound of it."

Sing licked his lips. "I know it's none of my business," he said. "But I think you should go with him this time. You've done what you needed to do here; your slate's clean. Everyone's in your debt."

Sing especially.

Ash looked away and said nothing.

"Give it some thought. A change of scenery would be good for ya, man."

"Is that all?"

Sing wondered. Yes, in fact, that was all. Maybe he shouldn't have bothered coming for just this, but he had started to care about both Ash and Eiji more than he let on. He admired Ash, but something told him that Eiji too had qualities that, somehow, drew in not just Ash but also himself. Their attraction was different without a doubt, but Sing had taken an interest in the person who had caused such a change in the stone-cold killer Ash Lynx.

"My boys are starting to accept what happened," he told him. "Some still have it out for you and your gang, but I'll make sure they won't get any funny ideas."

With regret, he added, "I've learned from my mistakes."

Ash nodded, and it seemed as though this was the end of their conversation. Sing was about to stand up when Ash looked at him again. Something about that gaze made Sing remain seated.

"You are a good leader," Ash said. "Maybe precisely because you don't want to be one."

Sing remained motionless, but his insides had stirred. Whether or not he agreed with Ash, he had never expected to hear such words of praise. And now that he did hear them, Sing felt shame more so than glee.

"As I said, dude. I'm learning."

* * *

Days had passed since Eiji's argument with his mother. They hadn't spoken since, though Eiji wondered if maybe he had been unjustified in speaking to her the way he had. He didn't necessarily avoid her, but whenever they were in the same room, he couldn't think of the right words to start a conversation. Should he apologize? He wondered. While he understood his mother's worries, he still couldn't let that deter him from doing what he knew to be right.

Eiji sat on the floor, around him boxes and boxes of film and already developed photographs. He sorted through the pictures he had made while in America to determine which of them were usable and which of them weren't. Unsurprisingly, many of them, if not the majority, showed Ash. The ones dating back longer didn't show Ash's face, maybe his torso or the back of his head as he sat with his fellow gang members.

Eiji remembered that, at their first meeting, Ash had asked them for anonymity, but Eiji had soon forgotten about this rule, as apparent by the countless pictures of him taken later.

After being kidnapped, after Ash's stay in the hospital, he and Eiji had soon grown closer, and Ash hadn't seemed to mind Eiji pointing a camera at his face anymore. It had been fun, truly, to catch him off guard with it sometimes.

Some of the pictures had turned out goofy, while others showed Ash completely unawares and utterly beautiful; Ash standing by the window, his hair golden in the evening sun; Ash midst wind-swept grass; Ash on the back of a truck lifting his sunglasses; Ash reading at night.

The more time they had spent together, the less Eiji had thought about work when picking up the camera and the more he had decided to have fun, to capture moments they had spent together. He only now realized just how many pictures he had taken, how many moments there had been.

He sorted these pictures into a separate pile, for safekeeping, while collecting the others to hand over to Ibi-san the next day. Ibe-san's publisher had, despite the major delay, expressed an interest in buying at least some of the pictures. With enough luck, Eiji would receive a sufficient amount of money to cover for the flight back to America and maybe even the return flight to Japan.

He hoped, wished, he would need yet another ticket then.

He wondered about this, about Ash, when someone knocked at his door. Eiji looked up to find his sister Seiko stick her head in, momentarily searching before lowering her gaze to meet his as she found him sitting on the floor.

"Hey, bro," she said.

Eiji waved her in with a smile.

"What's up?" he asked, but Seiko joined him on the ground wordlessly. She pulled her knees close to her body and, unsurprisingly, took a look at the mess Eiji had made of his room.

"You sure took a lot of them."

And, yes, he had. Various sized boxes were littered across the floor, pieces of film were strewn about and thrown in with other photographs that Eiji thought fitted together in one way or another.

"I did," he admitted with a shrug. "I got carried away a little bit."

"Is it alright for you to sit here?"

Even now, his injuries hadn't healed fully.

"It doesn't hurt much." But it hurt some.

Seiko seemed to hear this in his words, and she frowned a little. However, she didn't comment on it and instead reached for one of the pictures. It was one of Ash's, of course.

"He's handsome."

Eiji laughed. "He is, isn't he?"

"He's in most of them."

"Yeah, I guess so."

Seiko spent a little longer looking at Ash's pictures before turning to Eiji again. "Is he Ash?"

Eiji said nothing.

"He is, isn't he? The boy you want to go back to America for."

"Seiko-"

"My good luck charm worked then?"

She gave a shy smile, and all Eiji could do was stare.

"I know you're gay, you know?"

"Ah." Eiji stiffened, suddenly very interested in the piece of film he was holding. It showed a fire hydrant, not Ash. What a great shot it was, so very worthy of closer inspection.

"I don't care," Seiko continued. "Mum might, but she doesn't know yet, I don't think, and I sure won't tell her."

Seiko leaned closer, now too looking at the film. She gave a snort before bumping her shoulder into his. It relieved some of the tension, and Eiji soon realized that he was smiling.

* * *

Ibe-san's publisher ended up buying most of the pictures. Eiji wondered about it, hadn't expected it, but he was nevertheless glad for it. With this money, Eiji could afford the plane ticket to America.

He booked the flight online the same day and packed his things at night while everyone was sleeping. He didn't want to leave without his mother knowing about it, without having said goodbye to her, but Eiji wondered if it wouldn't be better for the both of them if he did just that to spare them both the confrontation.

When he asked Seiko about it, she turned very quiet, before saying, "She'll be mad, but... I don't think you should tell her."

In the end, Eiji decided to leave behind a letter for his mother to find. Eiji had had it with letters, actually, but he thought it better than to vanish without any word at all.

He sat on his work desk, scratching his head as he pondered on what to write.

 _I'll come back as soon as I can,_ he started. And he would. That was, so long as they would have him. The thought made him grab his pen tightly.

 _I'm sorry I'm..._

No, that was all wrong. He balled up the sheet and started again.

 _I'll come back as soon as I can._

 _I love y..._

Eiji sighed. In the trash bin again. He stared at it, wondered if it mattered at all what he wrote. Regardless of how he phrased it, he would break his mother's heart.

He closed his eyes and decided that, yes, it was worth doing this. He wrote,

 _I'll come back as soon as I can._

* * *

This short letter, more of a note really, he put on the kitchen table early the next morning. The sun wasn't up yet, but Seiko had decided to wake in time to see him off. She was still wearing her pajamas, and Eiij thought she looked as though she hadn't slept much at all this last night. Eiji worried she would fall asleep on her way to school that day.

Being with her again had made him realize how much he had missed her while abroad. She was quiet, and fierce, and smart. Just thinking about how she lay awake in bed, worrying for him, made Eiji feel tears well up in his eyes. He blinked them away and smiled instead.

"Thank you, sis," he told her.

Seiko watched him silently as he put on his jacket and threw on his backpack. When he was done, they looked at each other. Eiji didn't know how to say goodbye, but Seiko managed.

"...Have a safe trip," she said before her eyes too started to glisten. Eiji wasted no time to hug her close again, one last time. Her smaller body was shaking against his. She dug her fingers into his back, tensed as though scared he would break the embrace.

It was like she expected to never see him again. Eiji's throat became tight.

"I'll come back with Ash," he promised. "Then you'll get to meet him too, okay?"

Seiko nodded against him, firmly, before she gently pushed him away. Her face was wet with tears, but her smile was genuine. She made a fist and bumped it gently against his chest, something she had done when Eiji had left the first time around. It almost overwhelmed him, but her words snapped him out of it.

"Be careful," she said.

"You too," he replied.

Eiji left carrying nothing but his backpack. All he needed would be right there in America, waiting for him.


	3. Chapter 3

This chapter was rather difficult for me to write, and I'm still not fully satisfied with it. But, I wanted to get it out today, so I hope you enjoy it!

I want to thank everyone who left a review on the last chapter. I had decided to not post on this site anymore, owing to the lack of interest in my works here. This chapter would _not_ have been published if not for you, and a lot of the progress I made was possible thanks to the motivation I got from your reviews.

I truly was baffled to see any interest displayed. You made my day, all of you.

That being said, I wish you all wonderful holidays!

* * *

Walking up those stairs, Eiji hoped that it would be the last time Ash and he would have to reunite in a hospital. Every time, it was as though something had changed between them forever, like gears had shifted and clicked into place. They would turn faster, smoother, more efficient. By now, the two of them must be like a well-oiled machine, perfectly in tune.

Eiji wished that it made a difference and that fate would be kind to them from now on; kind enough so that the good would last even when troubles continued to follow them. Maybe what he wanted were more chances to reunite, to push away the final goodbye time and time again.

Sa-yo-na-ra. Eiji wondered if the bitter taste that appeared on his tongue whenever he as much as thought that word would vanish some day.

Ash had pronounced it oddly, a little foreign, but the emotion behind it still managed to send a shiver down Eiji's spine. And now, he also felt rage. He was angry at Ash's fate, at Lao for the injury he had caused, the pain and suffering that America continued to thrust upon people who were least to deserve it.

In front of Eiji, Kong's broad shoulders blocked the view. He had waited for Eiji at the airport and escorted him here, to a seemingly abandoned building in China town. Though they hadn't talked much, Eiji was glad to see him. And, if Kong's faint smile was any indication, the feeling was mutual. It was comforting to know that Ash was never truly alone.

Once they arrived at the top of the stairs, Kong led the way into what appeared to be a doctor's office. The walls were a blinding white, and medicines were stacked orderly on various shelves.

Bones was standing next to a table, his arms crossed in front of his chest, and his eyes were fixed onto a middle-aged man with hunched posture and bulging eyes. There was a gun on the table, Eiji realized, only after he noticed the man sending hurried glances toward it.

That was, until he locked his eyes on Eiji.

"You're sure he's-"

"Eiji!" Bones greeted, his expression relaxing momentarily. "Go on, Ash is straight through that door." He pointed to his right, not sparing a glance at who Eiji realized must be the doctor.

The man was wearing casual clothes, a sweater and beige pants rather than the typical white cloak associated with his profession. Eiji felt a little silly for not having realized earlier, but he already made for the door Bones had indicated.

"You're __sure-__ "

" _ _Yes__ , doc. How many times-"

Eiji ignored them and entered the patient's room.

Ash's eyes instantly found his.

Something felt different. Eiji didn't know what it was, nor could he describe it. It was like nails digging into his skin and scratching at his heart, like a sensation of unease that lingered there underneath the joy and relief.

He had needed to see Ash again as soon as possible. He had known that something was wrong before even departing from America, but once he had learned the rough circumstances of what had occurred, he had felt the urge tenfold. Maybe what Eiji felt now was the very same emotion. But, he was already here, Ash right in front of him.

So why?

Eiji sat down next to the bed, giving a smile.

"I was worried," he said. "I'm very relieved that you are fine now."

His hand was quick to find Ash's. Eiji noticed the roughness of his fingers, the slight chill in them. He held on a little tighter, willing his own warmth to chase away the cold.

"I wouldn't say fine," Ash countered, a little awkwardly, a little out of place. Eiji noticed. He saw that the smile on Ash's face didn't fully reach his eyes. "They won't let me get up for the next couple of weeks. An exaggeration, if you ask me, but…"

"Don't say that. Listen to the doctor." Eiji pulled together his brows for emphasis.

"Yeah, yeah."

And then, they became quiet. It wasn't for a lack of topics, Eiji knew that. He averted his eyes the moment Ash did; A deflection? Uncertainty, maybe.

Again, Eiji didn't quite know what it was.

He brought his other hand to lay on top of Ash's as well. Eiji grabbed it from both sides now as he leaned forward, his elbows on his knees. That action changed something, caused a little stir in Ash. Eiji could tell by the twitch in his hand.

"My letter-"

Again.

"-Did you read it?"

Slowly, Eiji looked up at Ash. They looked at each other.

"I did."

Eiji nodded. He wanted to know if this suspicion that had grown inside him, that had festered during the flight here, had any merit to it. He couldn't make sense of Ash's injury were it not for this thought, this worry, that had it not been for that letter, Ash wouldn't be injured.

And yet, Eiji refrained from bringing it up, merely repeated his previous nod to himself.

There was no need to ask. Ash couldn't run away now, not if he wanted to, given how he was chained to the bed. It wasn't fair to ask, not fair to force him to answer and certainly not to provoke an argument when Ash was this weak. Eiji didn't want to argue when he'd hardly just gotten him back. He didn't ever want to argue with him.

This wrist he was holding, it was so thin.

"I want you to come to Japan with me," Eiji said. "I mean it."

"Eiji-"

"I don't want to talk about it now. Just … consider it. For me."

Maybe within these next few weeks, they could come to a decision that would please both of them. So long as Eiji showed patience, he hoped to melt away the resistance and fear that surrounded Ash like a wall. So long as they were together, Eiji didn't care what happened to him.

Ah, Eiji thought. He might know now what that earlier feeling was.

His sister's words echoed in his mind, the sweet smile on her face.

Her charm had worked indeed. Maybe better than she had intended.

* * *

"-I've been telling you, it wasn't like that." Eiji leaned forward, his hands grabbing the fabric covering his knees. "I didn't run away because I'll go back. It's different."

Ash rose a brow, making Eiji falter in his certainly. Ash could tell by the way he deflated.

"You still ran away, even if you intend to go back," he said. "You shouldn't have."

And yet, Ash was glad that he had. To see Eiji again was a blessing, unexpected and as a result all the more beautiful. His heart had soared the moment he had laid eyes on him, yet crashed the instance he had realized that all this joy could only ever be temporary. He had thought that he would be more resistant toward it now, but he felt deeply how wrong this impression had been.

Ash looked at Eiji, and he understood that he very almost would have lost this moment. Eiji's face was full of unsaid emotion, hidden somewhere deep inside. It made Ash's throat become tight.

How would he ever learn to live again without Eiji there by his side?

Ash had given up on life for Eiji's sake, but now he felt that, when looking at him, Eiji was saved only when he had been returned to him. It didn't make sense. It was untrue to think it. But Eiji's words and gestures, they made Ash believe it was true.

He ached all over, thinking it.

Eiji's forever meant more than anything else in the world.

"Make sure you make up with your family. You make it sound like they are good people."

Eiji lowered his gaze, still smiling, but dim. Ash wondered what it was all about. There was something Eiji wasn't telling him.

"You think you'd endanger us, don't you?"

Ah, so they would get into it after all. Ash sighed, leaned back against the head of the bed.

"I know you're tired. I'm sorry, Ash."

But Ash shook his head. "I was wondering when you'd want to talk about it."

"I'm sorry."

"Again with your sorrys…" It was endearing how much Eiji cared. Ash realized they were holding hands again. Or, well, Eiji was holding his. When Ash closed his fingers around Eiji's in return, he noticed the slight drop in his shoulders, the added pressure against his hand.

They smiled at each other. Despite everything, they smiled and smiled and smiled. Ash found it uncanny, almost.

His smile dropped. He said, "I wanted to go with you after I read your letter. But now, I don't know if it would be the right decision. I can't run away from who I am, not after all the things I've done. You wouldn't ever be safe with me."

Eiji listened quietly, but he gave no immediate reaction. They both knew what Ash said was true. Ash doubted Eiji would find an argument that could convince him otherwise.

"I feel safe with you. I'm not scared."

Ash looked away.

"I'm never scared of you, Ash."

"That might be the problem."

Maybe that, right from the start, had been the reason for why they had fallen so fast. They were still falling, and Ash dreaded the time when they would collide with the ground.

Eiji licked his lips. "Even so, that doesn't change anything. I want you to come with me because I want you to live happily, away from the violence. But I also-"

Ash looked up.

"-I also want you to come to Japan because it would make me happy. You hear? It's something I want, too. For myself."

For the first time in his life, Ash felt happy to be susceptible to another's selfishness. For the first time, he heard 'I love you' without actually hearing it.

Could he really be so selfless as to let this feeling go forever?

* * *

Max and Jessica stopped by the next day. Ash knew not who told them his whereabouts, but it was a pleasant visit nonetheless. Admittedly, Ash didn't quite show his joy at first, but they eventually managed to drag it out and make it show on his face.

Somehow, Max had earned a spot in Ash's heart that had been vacant up until recently. He didn't know what it was like to have a father who had proven himself worthy of that title, but he felt that Max was closest to it.

"I can't believe you," Max said. "Vanishing without a trace again. Making us think you've died. __Again__." He slapped his hands on his knees.

"Next time, I won't worry for you, you brat. Well-" he pouted now-"Maybe a little."

He brought his forefinger and thumb together, allowing just a little bit of space between those digits. "This little, you hear me! Even less!"

Jessica slapped his shoulder. "Stop being an idiot, Max," she scolded him. "You almost cried when you thought something had happened to him."

"How dare you! You don't-"

"You sobbed all over the morning paper! You know-"

Ash and Eiji exchanged a quick glance. At least, it was supposed to be a quick glance. Somehow, Ash couldn't tear his eyes away so easily.

When he did eventually, Max and Jessica were smiling at him.

"So, you gonna go to Japan once you're back on your feet?" Max asked.

Ash tensed. Next to him, Eiji leaned away a little, giving him space.

"I-"

...

"Maybe for a short visit," Ash said to Eiji after they were gone.

The sun had gone down, and outside, the city lights shone brightly.


End file.
